May 24, 2014

On loss

Loss is something that I've been thinking about a lot lately. For the past two years and especially in the last month.  The human experience is so widely varied and we all experience difference variations and degrees of loss.  I was discussing this topic with one of my very dearest the other day and we came to the conclusion that although someone else in the world is always suffering more that you are, and more than you ever will, every experience is valid. Sure, some pain may trump other pain, but when you are in the thick of it and every part of your body physically aches with sadness...it really does not matter.  I am currently in the process of scraping my poor little wasted heart and soul off of the pavement with a spatula. Well, at least that's what it feels like.  Many of the losses from a few years ago are finally hitting home and I am able to grieve them now with something other than stunned numbness.  It's become a physical act of shedding pain and I feel it down to my bones.  It's so odd to me that emotional pain can actually physically hurt, but really, it's very appropriate. Feelings are so very powerful. I've also felt the growing pains of changing relationships in my life.  People I was once close to drifting away. Misunderstandings. Rejection. Death. Loss of potential. Loss of hope. I am gutted and raw and aching. I choose to share this here because I often wonder how many peole are walking around feeling this way answering, "I'm fine, " when asked "how are you?" We are so afraid to be real anymore, to be honest. Scared we will frighten people. Scared we will look weak.

I am not fine. There. I said it. I am not fine.

My life is so entirely different now than it was three years ago, and I am finding that all of the big changes in my life, especially this last year have caused a flurry of emotions.  On one hand there is excitement, a feeling of achievement, hope....on the other hand..there is fear, there is doubt, there is loneliness. There is the monumental task of accepting things as they are, of accepting that my life may never be want I wanted it to be. I may never have another child, I may never marry...and how much of this is out of my control.

So now I am like a snake, shedding her old skin. I am remaking myself. And it hurts. Every second of every day. Peeling off old itchy and irritating skin, the new skin hot and red and sensitive to touch. I cry nearly every day now. Floods of tears. But it also feels like relief. Like a lightening. Like a new chance. Like a blank slate.  This process has become very literal to me as I feel a deep-seated need to purge out old things.  Old clothes, books, furniture...... they need to go. Items I never use, items I don't really like, items that serve as reminders of things that still sting or things that are long since dead and gone.  I am remaking myself. I want to look around my house and only see things that fill me with joy, that remind me of those that I love and have loved, that are useful, that are beautiful, that remind me of who I am and who I want to be, and what I want from this life. 

I am remaking myself.

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